Miss calls
Originally published June 2005
I must say that the frequency of my postings, and the ease with which I have topics to post on is quite surprising. The subjects themselves though are quite queer, and I must say that allowing people to comment has been a revelation. No anonymous content though, because in the least I’d like to know who thinks that it is necessary to state that my postings are pointless.
Anyways, I have, in my usage of mobile phones, found quite intriguing, the concept of not exactly making a telephone call and yet achieving a fairly sophisticated degree of communication. So here I attempt to document the protocols that one may follow, to effectively communicate without actually doing so.
We first need to define a “missed call”. A missed call, is a deliberate attempt to communicate whilst not making a data transfer other than the basic network connection. Since the fundamental premise is monetary, we may also, alternatively consider a missed call as any form of communication over two telephone units, in which no billable connections are made.
Although fairly comprehensive, there are somethings that one must note: first; sometimes missed calls are not deliberate actions, people just aren’t around or don’t pick up the phone; this is what the system is designed for; and there is no credible way of distinguishing this from a legitimate missed call, which usually need the consent of both parties; secondly; missed calls might be subject to charges from the service provider, and this is usually a clandestine and hideous practice that one must calibrate and be aware of.
Now we can go ahead classify and standardize missed calls.
There are fundamentally 3 types of missed calls:
- Type — 1
- This is the simplest and most basic form of a missed call. The caller disengages the call from his end. This is used to convey a variety of things, from anger, shortage of money, to disillusionment, lack of sleep . In the special case that the missed call was agreed upon, it can also be used to confirm the value of a previously decided boolean variable. This is a subtype 1-A, and is usually employed by advanced users of the protocol.
- Type — 2
- This missed call is an extension of the missed call of type 1-A, and involves both parties. The call is disengaged by the receiver of the call. This increases the efficiency of the missed calls significantly. Since both parties have to be consciously involved in the process, this kind of missed call can be effectively used as alarms or reminders. In addition, this type has a 100 percent efficiency rate when dealing with confirmatory communications of the boolean type, that are dealt with type 1-A.
- Type — 3
- This is an advanced type of communication, and finds it’s origin among feeble attempts to populate extra-terrestrial real estate, and the resulting problems in communication lag. It was initially imagined that this type had its origins in the work of a certain Mr. Morse, but it is substantially more complex and achieves the desired effect with a single member alphabet.
- Now to the actual method. This missed call uses the number of ringtone repetitions (or “rings” in common parlance) to convey the value of a certain variable, which again must be previously agreed upon. This type of missed call is explicitly divided into two types; 3-C where the caller disengages the line after a certain specific number of ringtone repetitions, and 3-R where the receiving party takes care of the disengagement. The use of this type of missed calls usually involves having similar or sufficiently simple ringtones at both ends. Some users are known to bypass this requirement by standardizing the vibrator as the measure of the “rings”. It must be noted that this kind of missed call ideally should not be used for simple communications, due to the inherently demanding nature of the prior agreement. Also boolean variables are best handled by type 2 missed calls. Also users must be warned that with this type (especially 3-C) a fair degree of awareness and reflexes, and should not be attempted by the novice user.
With the above standardization, it should be mentioned, that missed calls, especially of type 1, can be used as means of very basic entertainment. Certain primitive primates, have shown significant rise in happiness levels (measured in terms of “sheer glee”), when introduced to the game of “Missed Call — Missed Call” (patent impending). The versions of this game that involve 2 persons usually have the objective of the game as successfully giving a missed call, without letting the other person engage the call, or in common parlance “pick up the call”. The other game, “Chalo missed call dete hain”, is known to have kept certain test subjects occupied for significant lengths of time. The relationship between the subjects “sheer glee” levels in this game and the expanse of their address books, is being investigated. The game has also driven leading mobile-phone handset manufacturers to consider implementing a “find a random entry from your address book” feature.
Speaking of features, one must place in perspective the fact that missed calls are the ultimate liberation from service-provider, telephone-manufacturer impregnated prison of telecommunications. It is important to note how efficiently the design of phones over the many generations since Mr. Bell, have never been conducive to the idea of missed calls. On the usual landline phones, the caller-ID feature is rare if used at all. Secondly, the type 2 missed calls, and 3-R, where the communication is enriched by the involvement of the receiver, are altogether impossible on landline phones. The missed call revolution is the ultimate retribution for the farce that is the telecommunications revolution (christened tele-commies by the underground). It is expected that soon advanced methods of communication, based on the missed call will be invented. Prominent emerging technologies include missed messages and missed e-mails. Recent introductions of custom ringtones, on the basis of caller, or stochastic ringtones are also being explored for uses with this protocol.