Interstate
Originally published April 2006
Mesmerised by what an acoustic finger plucking guitarist can do with a maverick classical violinist’s piece. I have been wandering, wide, aloof and alone. I am surprised. It is not the best time of my life. Arguably, that is yet to come. But I am surprised, to see how much I can enjoy life. Never growing up. Always in motion. Not bound. Floating in a kind of melancholy sorrow. I am afraid. That I might loose my temper someday. But that is a fear and a battle that I will fight.
There exists a veritable range of emotion that I’d rather not have. Nostalgy is part of that range. Listening to Joshua Radin’s Winter. I do not like to be in the place in my life, where everything is a been-there-done-that. Need a book. Should shed my disregard for fiction. I think the high point in the immediate past was spending about two and a half books at the library. Need to become normal. Need to be competitive. Need to be bothered and worried. Need to work on electronic impairment. Kind of started off on that. Am a little overwhlemed by loneliness. A first there. But an important one. Need to realise, that I am not sixteen anymore. That if I need to be even a fading memory to the few people who even bother noticing anything about me, I will have to make do with words and spaces, and the hiss of a telephone. Need to know, that things are very different from here on. So far been a child among growing children. Now, a child among grown ups. Will have to face the incessant clamouring for relationships and complications, commitment and marriage; all raining upon people around me, while I stand stone dry, messing with my hair. Will have to wait, until there are no more people left that I can have fun with. Until those that I thought I could have fun with, have all forgotten me; and their lives become the castles with no place for a little boy, still playing around. Need to worry about the fact, that no woman will ever go out with me on my terms, which is no terms at all. Need to stop being a person, and pretend being a people. Need to stop needing. Need to stop wanting.
Meanwhile , quite shocked that Mahajan’s brother shot him. And his brother’s also a “Pravin”! And have started associating things with Scrubs. And yeah, I think I am like Dr. Cox. Not in the least for his wife, played by Christa Lawrence. Shall mail people and meet ol’ pals. Er… Make that will try.
Update — thanks to blogger taking it’s own sweet time to fix problems.
Summer has kicked in. Earlier than I expected. I hate the summer, for the heat and humidity, but more so, because every year, it is the time when my shortcomings become the most apparent. Am settling down to catching glimpses of the world agglomerate in the distance. I wish I had friends.